It is done...

It's done.  We took Bonnie to the pound today.  The whole family went.  I was the one to take her inside.  


I tried to find someone else to take her.  We even put an add up online, but received only scams for replies.  This made me sad because I really didn't want to take her to the pound.  The only good news is, that our local humane society here says that they haven't had to put down a dog that was adoptable (meaning isn't violent or bites) in many years.  Bonnie is a good dog who is very good with children.  I am hopeful that she will find a home that is a good match for her very soon.  Even the lady who took her in and heard my story thought that she would find another home very easily.  


I cried.  Despite everything that I have dealt with with this dog, I cried.  Brady thinks she was afraid of me.  I think she just wanted my place in our family pack.  She LOVED Brady.  She would stick to him like glue when he was home.  She would barely let me touch her sometimes (usually she would pee herself if I tried).  She would often pee and poop on my side of the closet or the floor by my side of the bed. She would pee and poop in the girls room when there would any kind of change in the house.  If I was busy cleaning or working on the computer she would often sneak upstairs and pee or poop in any open bedroom. She would play with the girls and when I would come and try to play with her, she would abandon the game and refuse to play, instead she would cower in the corner.  I felt like a bully, and I had never done anything to her.  


We couldn't leave her out alone in the house.  She would pee and poop and scratch out at the doors.  For a while we would gate her in the kitchen but she figured out how to get past the gate so we finally had to kennel her.  She would get so anxious when we would leave and then flip out when we got back.  It was so crazy. 


Despite all of that, when they had me put my little dog in that cage, and I looked down at her little terrified face, I cried.  


I cried because for the first six months we had her she was so good!  She potty trained so easily.  She was sweet and cuddly (yes even with me).  She would let the little kids pull and tug on her and never bit or nipped. She kept me company while Brady was gone at basic training and tech school.  She traveled super well and I didn't have to have her on leash all the time.  She would come when called and stay near me and the kids when walking around.  She was great with other dogs and cats.  She was a great all around dog.  


Then Brady came home and we prepared to move to Nebraska.  Everything changed.  She clung to him and started avoiding me.  She also started peeing in Cadence's room at night.  When we moved she kept that up.  We ended up buying dog diapers, which she hated, to keep her from ruining the carpet.  It worked and we started the diaper cycles.  She would start behaving, the diaper would come off, she would be good for a few weeks and then she would start peeing again.  It was insane.  Then she started fixating on me.  I couldn't call to the girls to come eat with out her cowering in a corner.  I couldn't laugh out loud with out her running to hide. If I tried to pet her she would pee.  I spent hours on the internet looking for solutions.  Got advice from friends and gave it my all.  Somethings helped for a while, but she would always go back to her old ways, no matter how consistent I was.  


The last straw, the day I decided I was done, I was putting clothes away in my room.  Bonnie followed me in and I told her to leave.  She didn't, instead she followed me into the closet where I was putting clothes away.  Again I told her to get out.  I went and got more clothes, turned back to the closet and there was Bonnie, pooping.  She had already peed.  She wasn't even trying to hide it from me anymore.  I just sat on the floor and cried.  I realized that if I kept her I was going to be cleaning her mess out of my carpet until she died. Or I died.  I wouldn't put it past her to out live me just to have Brady all to herself.  In that instant I knew that it was her or me, and since I was pretty sure that Brady liked me better, it had to be her.  


In that moment I felt relieved.  And in the next moment I felt horribly guilty.  I felt small and ugly for even thinking of giving her up. I had taken this dog into my family.  I had promised to love her and take care of her.  I did (do still) love her.  I had been praying for many months for help.  Help to know what to do for her.  Help even to just let go of my frustration with her constant defecating.  I prayed that the dog would just love me too!  Giving her up meant I had failed at all of this!  I was a bad pet mommy.  What if she never found another home??   


Later that week, while I was still looking for another home for her, there was an incident.  Brady was laying on the floor and Bonnie was glued to his side as always.  Rory saw Brady laying there and ran over to jump on him.  The second that Bonnie realized that she was heading for Brady she jumped forward and started trying to nip her.  I was horrified.  Bonnie had never done that ever before.  In that moment I knew I really was making the right decision.  My family was more important than trying to find ways to keep this crazy dog happy. 


I know that I made the right decision for my family.  I know I made the only decision that would keep me from going crazy.  I know it.  But I still feel guilty.  Even with her nipping Rory.  I am sad inside.  


Bonnie I wish that you could have been what I needed too.  I am praying that you will find just the right owner, who will be able to give you what you need.  Despite everything I will miss you.  Be good okay?